★★★★★ 5
biblical and scientific
I never thought I would say this, but a relationship book has made it to my top ten favorite books. I felt like it was really good premarital counseling in book form. I've had premarital counseling, and it was actually pretty good, but this book was much, much better.
This book is really well written, and the content ranges from the general (for instance, telling you that men and women have different needs) to the specific (for instance, giving suggestions for how to tell if you are still "in love" with someone, or if you just see them as a really good friend you happen to be engaged/married to). This book draws heavily from Gottman's research on marriage. While his work does have its flaws, it's important to note that it is easily the best research on marriage that anyone has ever done. Most marriage theories are based on the author's opinions and what they have seen work for a few couples here or there, but Gottman has done the leg-work so that this book can present some actual empirical understanding of the basics of a good marital foundation. This book also draws heavily on Biblical principles of love, relationships, and marriage. It is unapologetically Christian and suggests at the end of the book that even if a couple is doing everything "right" they need to share spiritual dreams and Christian service.
I read this book by myself when I got engaged to my boyfriend of a couple of years. The book has questions at the end of each chapter to help you consider how the material in the chapter applies to your specific situation. I took the questions seriously and by about 1/3 of the way through the book I realized that I really couldn't marry my boyfriend. I had a hard time letting go of the relationship but in hindsight it was a really unhealthy situation. My friends had been telling me their concerns but I needed to figure it out for myself, and this book walked me through that process in a really low-pressure gentle way.
When I started dating my now-husband I started reading the book again and answering the questions in regard to my new relationship. It was really reassuring for me to see that we were built on a solid foundation. I decided to start over and read the whole book together(which we mostly did in the car) and discuss the questions together. This was probably the best thing we have done for our relationship. It helped us have reasonable expectations for each other and ourselves, and helped us set up good habits as we started our marriage together.
One thing to note: apparently there is a man's workbook and a woman's workbook to accompany this book. For budget reasons, I didn't purchase the workbooks. The book was still extremely helpful for me and my husband, but every few pages it directs the reader to an exercise in the workbook. Some of the exercises looked interesting and others looked repetitive or boring. Discussing the questions at the end of each chapter was enough for us.
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Reviewed in the United States on June 2, 2011
